Victorian Book of the Dead

[NIKIG]

I really don't know what i would do, i think that in this day and age; with photography so commonplace i wouldn't take any photo's of family members who had passed away, BUT, if having a photo taken was still so rare and expensive nowadays then i think i would.
Remember that those people who had those photo's taken probably wouldn't have had any other photo's of their loved ones and this would be the only reminder of their loved ones.
What i found most amazing is just how peaceful those babies and young children looked, just like they were asleep. Those photo's must have been a great source of comfort to the parents, seeing their child no longer in pain, but lying peacefully, as if asleep and as most victorians were deeply religious they would know/think that the child was safely in God's arms.
I didn't find it morbid at all, but i do know an old friend who had 3 babies, all stillborn and she had photo's of them on display, don't get me wrong, I see nothing wrong with this and see it as a way of greiving, but the babies were very early stillborns and not totally developed, 1 was stillborn at 16 weeks, none were over 20 weeks. Now personally i found that very hard to deal with, not only that the babies were not fully developed, but also that she had them on display in her lounge, she showed me them and expected me to say something, what could i say to her? I am sure that she found comfort in those photo's, but to me they should have been kept private and not on show at all. A bit like the old photo's, which i am sure weren't placed on the family mantle piece when they were taken all those years ago.

[Acidburnrosie]

I think the pictures looked peaceful, most of the children looked like they were asleep when the photo was taken.

As for me taking photos of dead relatives, the answer is no...i couldnt. My mum died suddenly in March of this year (followed by my nan 3 months later) and i did have a passing idea to take a photo of her when she was on full life support just to show her when she woke up....but it soon became clear that she wouldnt. The last photo of my mum was taken on christmas day, she had no hair, a paper party hat on and a gift bow stuck to her head....one day i will scrap this photo...just not yet

[NickyRich]

I am quite amazed that one of the photos was taken 9 days after death!

[deejaz]

Well i have been reading through this thread and this might shock people but to be honest i dont really care here goes

In our family as like many others we had been taught or shown that death is nothing to fear and when i was a young child (6) i laid out my grandmother, grandfather and their bodies were received into our home then the rosary was said on and off all evening with the family and friends their who wanted to share in 1998 my mother died i repeated what i had been taught i also took pictures of her laid out in her coffin and have treasured these for many years as they give me a lot of comfort then last year i decided to do a scrap book about all aspects of my family some good, some bad and i did a DLO of her one page was very serious and as she had such a wonderful sence of humour as far as she made me promise to paint her nails after she died so she looked perfect and believe me her nails were very long and beautiful maybe thats why im a nail tech now, which i did do and the fun lo was lets just say she would of laughed i have also since scrapped a photo of my baby son that a nurse took for me in 1984 who was born still born but this is my personal and very private book and even my husband has never seen it. i look as the body being an envelope for the soul and when we die this is what is left just an envelope i just hope my daughters will be able to do the same for me memories are so special and i never want to forget..............as i get older i will be able to remember with the help of my scrap books

[Nic]

I'm very much of the opinion that it's such a personal thing that there can be no right or wrong thing to do-it's just whatever's right for the person concerned.

However, I'm extremely grateful to Honeymaker for raising the subject. My mum is in the advanced stages of Alzheimer's disease, and for anyone who doesn't have personal knowledge of the illness, there's a "look" in the eyes of a person with Az. My sister and I describe it as the "dead fish eye" look. Unfortunately my mum's had that for a few years.
I actively avoid taking photos of mum these days, because it's hard enough to see her like this in life, without having a photographic reminder.
However, thanks to this thread, when mum's time comes, if she looks more like "my mum" again, maybe I'll have the presence of mind to think to take a photo, obviously depending on the circumstances.

[Sarah Mo]

Havn't read all the posts but when I worked on Neonatal and Childrens intensive care unit we always took pictures of the babies/children who had died. The photos were taken in black and white and the roll of film was given to the parents for them to have developed (by the hospital) if and when they were ready.

Probably wouldn't personally take a photo of an adult relative, but I know from patients families and friends who have lost children how comforting the photos were. My friend who suffered a still birth said the photos were the only proof her baby had existed and she really treasures them.

Sarah

[dancingqueen]

interesting thread, thanks for starting it. i haven't clicked on the link. thank you for posting the disclaimer. as many have said, i can understand people taking pictures of stillborn children, and i can understand pictures being taken by relatives of older people who have died, but it's not for me.

my only experience of death is my dad, who died suddenly several years ago. totally out of the blue, him dying had never crossed my mind, ever, and i, we, were all in shock. some people in the family found comfort in going to see 'him' and find comfort in going to his grave, but i couldn't go and see him and i don't visit his grave. i remember him as a man bigger than life and that's how i *want* to remember him, laughing his big belly laugh as he used to laugh, lighting up the room, being generally larger than life.

seeing his coffin go in the grave on a cold december afternoon was the singularly most traumatic experience i have ever had to live through, and i wouldn't want to be reminded of it.

interestingly, however, this experience is what started me scrapping in earnest, as his death made me realise there was so much he knew, that would be lost, that i was frightened i would lose my memories of him, that people would not know *me* if i died suddenly, so since then i've been working on albums of 'him' (including a latest one 'this was your grandad' for my son) and books of me, should the worst ever happen and my son feels the same emptiness.

everyone deals with, and approaches, death differently, according to customs, traditions. it is such a personal path when someone close dies, i can totally understand everyone's response to this thread.

[USA2UK]

I am not offended by the idea of someone taking a photo of loved ones in their coffin or whatnot. I probably would not do it unless, as others have said, the loved one was a child and there were few or no other photos.

What surprised me was a news item that reported that in Japan, it is now commonplace for mourners (all the various mourners, not just one or two close family members) to take photos on their mobiles... during the funeral/wake. To me this seems somewhat disrespectful, altho, it is a different culture and obviously to them it is not.

ETA: I took a photo of my uncle, with his sisters and brother, when he had terminal cancer, and I do cherish this photo now, even though he had changed so much in appearance.

[Annie]

Can I just say, slightly OT, that I have felt bad about how I felt about (not) taking photos of mum. Just knowing that there are others out there who have gone through similar and reacted the same way is helping me enormously tonight. Thanks for sharing your experiences.

[Radleygirl]

Very interesting thread, I am a nurse and midwife and am quite used to seeing dead bodies both of adults and babies. It is our practice where I work to take pictures of all stillborn babes. If the familt does not want to see them they are left in the case noted if the parents wish to see them at a later date.
When my mum died a couple of years ago I felt like I didn't want to let her go and have found great comfort in the pictures that I took of her in her coffin. I know other may think this is bizarre but both my sister and I have valued their existance. In this day and age they were taken digitally and stored on my computer. I do have two prints which I look at fairly often. I know she is not coming back but I value having those pictures.

[sam c]

This is a very interesting thread.

Sometimes I think our "sanitised" version of death causes problems for those left behind, often months or even years after death.

Years ago, life expectancy was not as is today and it really was something that was discussed and dealt with more honestly I think. The Victorians did however have a real "death" industry, think of how long people wore mourning clothes for instance. It's a very fascinating subject and much as we like to shy away from it, I don't think there are really any rights or wrongs.

When my Dad was in the hospice in June this year I wanted to take his picture and I did take it with my little boy with him. I won't ever "scrap" this picture, but it reminds me of his last few days. I did see him in his room after he died and that image is hard to get out of my head.

When my Mum died in August, she died very suddenly and I chose not to go and see her in the Chapel of rest because I wanted to remember her as she was. I think it is always up to the individual to do what is right for them.

Gosh sorry for the loooong post.

[Hysteri-CAL]

I think it is always up to the individual to do what is right for them.

Thats the whole point Sam ... there is no right - and no wrong way to grieve.

On a personal level tho hun - i would hate to be walking in your shoes right now.

((( Sam and family ))) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[ytyynycefn]

This is really interesting - I found the Victorian photographs to be very peaceful and calm.

My mum flew over to Canada for her uncle's funeral about 10 years ago, and they all were asked to gather round the open coffin to have their photo taken with his body - we all thought it was really odd, because we'd never heard of anyone doing it before.

A year or so later, a close friend of mine had a still-born son, and she had several photos of him, and hand and foot prints. She was still so proud of her gorgeous baby, and it really helped her to mourn his loss, because she could acknowledge his existence.

When my mum died very suddenly nine years ago, I didn't take any photos of her, as she didn't look like she was there any more - but I do have many photos of the hundreds of cards & flowers we were sent and floral arrangements in the church, as well as her grave after the burial with all the flowers. It was such a major event in my life that I couldn't not document it, and I'm so glad I did.

Sorry to go on for so long!

[Nicki R]

I looked at the images because I was interested having heard of them before but not seen any. The ones of the people on their owns posed or in coffins were fairly peaceful but I felt uncomfortable with the ones when they are posed with other people/their families.
I know a few people who have photos of their babies that didn't live and I've never really thought about it, it just was, but I don't know whether I'd feel the same about photos of elderly relatives etc. Thanks for the thought provoking thread, as has already been said it's a personal choice and one I've not been faced with.

[Sally Mitchell]

I personally know two ladies who scrapbook and share photos of their stillborn babies on the internet. They are very proud of their gorgeous little angels. If anyone is interested in seeing their work, let me know and I will PM you a link.

I would certainly want photos of a baby if I was unfortunate to loose one. However, I think if my two boys (now 4 and almost 2) and I would never want photos of them post-mortem. The photos I have of them alive do far more justice in representing their beautiful personalities.