The delicate subject of Adoption

[julieann]

This is a tricky one. I guess my curosity keeps me thinking about this one. When my mum was in her teens she had a baby who was adopted. If she's still alive she would be 45/46. What I would like to find out is can I research about her myself or would I need my Mum's permission. I'm also mindful that there's been no contact from her to search for my Mum. Interested on people's experience's and thought's on this one.

TFL

[CarolineFG]

I don't think you need to have your mum's permission. Just bare in mind that your sister may not know she was adopted and so it could cause a whole 'Pandora's box' of problems for her and her family. I know my daughter can go to seek out her birth mother at 18, if she wants to.

[petunia348]

Good luck with whatever you decide Julie-Ann. I tracked down my birth mother but she would not let me have contact with half brothers and their families for fear of the shame. i would love to find out more about them.
Although it is extremely unlikely in this day and age, a friend of mine grew up not knowing that she was adopted until in her teens and the shock was horrendous. A very dear present day friend is adopted and has absolutely no desire to track his birth mother down. Hope my ramblings help but if you would like to bounce ideas please do PM me.

[NikiB]

My father was adopted and altough his parents were great people he had a really difficult time, he found out by accident when he was 13 - they were moving house and he happened along the papers. The rest of their family never really accpted him either, especially after he got in trouble with the police in his teens and early 20's. Both his parents died at least 10 years ago and he hasn't had any contact with any aunts, uncles, cousins etc. since the funerals, they just don't want to know him.

I know deep down he'd love to find his real mum, but he's too scared incase he is re-jected. I remember a few years ago seeing my dad watching a show one Christmas where they were re-uniting families, the tears were streaming down his face - that was the first time I saw him ever show any real emotion.

[julieann]

Thanks ladies for your help. I've decided to but things on the back boiler for now. I appreciate it's a bit of a pandora's box and it needs careful thought before I go upsetting the apple cart.

Huge thanks to you all

[Sammz]

I know you've said you want to put it on the back boiler but ...

At the start I posted on a few search boards just incase someone out there was looking for me. I wasn't too bothered about doing a proper search but if they were looking, I was there. She may not have tracked you down but she may be interested.

Petunia - most people in "adoptionland" would give you the advice to get in touch with brother/sisters and give THEM the choice of whether they want to know you or not.

[lilmizznaughty]

Golly Sammz, thanks for that. Not sure if I should open that particular can of worms.

[petunia348]

Whoops logged in as DD2. Sorry.

[Sammz]

Petunia - I totally understand but it's something to think about. You really don't have anything to lose and possibly great friendships to gain ...

[__TJ__]

poss see is she is looking for you??

[Boogiesnoop1]

General info. - Adoption laws change from the 1st January 2006 - for the better and parents can log that they would like to be contacted. There are other changes too which are in the national press today.

[serendipity]

I also want to find a half sister of mine that was adopted in the sixties, and have problems dealing with it, I also have an adopted half sister that got intouch with us when she was eighteen, I am intouch with her and her family but Mother does not want to know, it is a very hard situation, as they all have there feelings to deal with, I am also trying to trace my father, who I have never met. the sister that got intouch does not know about the other sister, and I feel she should, but how do you give her another bombshell!!

[julieann]

Serendipity - sorry I can't give any help it's a very tricky subject. Good luck with the search for your father.

[petunia348]

What a difficult situation for you Serendipity. Good luck with whatever decisions you make. Not an easy one.

[Handy sandy]

please take care with this matter

I have an adopted brother who has just found out at 59 that he had lived very near his birth mother and father until they died a few years ago , that was bad enough but to find out that they married 6mths after his birth and that he has a full brother with 2 children has nearly killed him . The brother now knows about it but will not agree to meet because of the shame.

Im afraid that a very unhappy life had now been made so much worst for my brother he feels that the last 59 years have been one big lie and its been hard to try and help him come to terms with it , it has also meant that I cannot forgive my parents for not telling us what happened while everyone was alive , a poor sad lady ( db birth mother) spent her last days crying for a lost baby that noone knew about until she had died .

All this was opened up by a chance meeting with old neighbours .
I know that it is all very interesting when you can find out what happened and why but please make sure that everyone knows that you are looking into these things Good luck with your search but take care please .

[Sammz]

serendipity - I would tell her straight away. I wouldn't see it as a bombshell. Infact it may help as some adoptees take their adoption very personally. Knowing she wasn't the only one might make things easier (if she's having a tough time).